hazulcheet

In the beginning, fictional entity did not create the world, yet the world existed. In this world, humans, who were also not created by the fictional entity invented star trek. These people were thinkers, they'd made their show and they saw this it was good. But those who possessed foresight knew that on this day, I would watch their show, and that I would get a craving for something to eat, and as a result these people invented bread.

Yes, I have just rewritten history to state that star trek existed before bread. Of course there is one fact I have not altered. Note that in my timeline and that of the real world, still does not exist.

Among these geniuses who created bread there were some who liked the idea of it but decided it was too good, and did all they could to make it shitter. These people created wholemeal bread, and eventually applied the same process of "making it shitter" to star trek, in order to create Battlestar Galactica.


As I don't deny myself tasty foods (like a vegan) or deny myself any pleasure at all (like a catholic) I am extremely insulted by the shitness that is wholemeal bread. I'm not a major fan of bread in general but there are three uses I have for it.
1) Bread and butter.
2) Toast
3) Bacon sandwiches.

However I only enjoy these things on good old fashioned "White bread" and I shall list the reasons why here.
1) Bread and butter, a simple snack, it's quick to prepare and it's good if you're starving and broke. On wholemeal bread however, there's no point putting butter on it, as the bizarre properties of wholemeal bread prevent the butter from adding any flavour or moisture to the bread whatsoever. In short....it's like what eating cardboard would be like, if cardboard lacked the ability to absorb water.
2) Toast. I like my toast not too well done, but not too raw either. With brown bread, you simply cannot tell. I also like to smother my toast in butter, it brings out the nice salty taste....or it does with white bread. As above, adding butter to toasted wholemeal bread makes little difference at all, besides making the foul brown toast taste a little less like dirt.
3) Bacon sandwiches, tasty indeed....on white bread. Wholemeal bread, in my opinion is the greatest sin against bacon sandwiched known to man. Why? Anyone who has ever had a bacon sandwich smothered in HP sauce made on wholemeal bread will understand what I am saying here. The #1 property of wholemeal bread is it's ability to destroy flavour. Bacon does not taste like bacon in wholemeal bread....it just tastes like whole meal bread. And as for the HP sauce....no difference whatsoever, in order to add enough sauce to actually taste it on wholemeal bread, you'd have to flood the thing in it.

So remember people, don't buy wholemeal bread. It's evil and is sold to fund terrorists battlestar galactica.